A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."
"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"
And the girl says: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers."
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?"asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.
What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
OorWullie.
Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa dear," says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He'sawa'noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer? The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in aplummy voice: "Is there money in the box?" "Naw, it's just me," he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: "Shug, do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?" And he says: "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan."
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."
What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad? Because the chef was Low Ping.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
"What's up, Jimmy?"he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."
Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
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