Monsta Mo Mini
21st November 2003, 08:46 PM
Tomorrow morning there is the truly frightening prospect that Jonnnie Wilkinson will win the Rugby Worl Cup for Ingerlund...
I'm an Aussie for the weekend!
This was in today's Scotsman:
Stand up if you support England
At 9am this Saturday, every Scotsman will become a Fosters-swilling Australian, when, to a man, they will stand to bawl out Advance Australia Fair and cheer on the Wallabies with as much fervour as if it were Scotland themselves playing in the final of the Rugby World Cup. And, in the possible event that England win the final, there will, without question, be many more tears shed in Scotland than there will across the whole of Australia.
It’s been Scotland’s worst collective nightmare for more than three decades. But, as of last Sunday, when England beat France in the semi-final, it became much worse than a nightmare - it became a distinct reality, with England now standing on the brink of their greatest sporting triumph since that awful year, which any self-respecting Scotsman still cannot bring himself to mention.
England now stand on the brink of their greatest sporting triumph since 1966
But if you’re a Scot and proud of it, and can see further than the end of an 80-minute rugby match, then why not root for the English? Here we suggest ten reasons why supporting the southerners might not be as bad as it seems ...
1 You’ll probably save yourself a small fortune. If you consistently support Anyone but England, then for every single match you’ll have to go out and buy a new opposition strip. So much more economical to have just the one England strip.
2 For the first time in more than 30 years, the English might - finally - stop banging on about 1966.
3 Inevitably, as sure as rugby balls are egg-shaped, Scotland will beat England when they next meet on the rugby pitch. The Scots will then be able to proclaim themselves the true World Champions.
4 If England win, the rest of the world might finally start to believe what Scotland has been telling them for years - that they’re a nation stuffed with rude, arrogant shysters.
5 The English will become so insufferable that no tourists will be able to stomach the place. Where will they head instead? It could be another country north of the Border …
6 An England win will spark a blizzard of pictures of Prince Harry hugging Clive Woodward’s wife and his other hooray chums, demonstrated above. No royal will dare show their face in Scotland until at least 2006.
7 Some 400,000 English-born people live in Scotland at the moment. That amounts to roughly eight per cent of the total population - and some might say that’s eight per cent too many. How many will want to stick it out up here after an England victory?
8 EU subsidies to Scotland will go through the roof as Brussels finally realises what God-awful neighbours we have to put up with.
9 The rules for rugby union will simply have to be changed, as the ruling body will be forced to cave in to popular opinion. No longer will one kicking metronome like England fly-half Jonny Wilkinson be able just to boot his team through to World Cup glory. Tries will be worth ten points; a penalty will be worth just the two.
10 An England win will prompt a glut of World Cup pop songs, and these, by their very nature, will be terrible. But can they be quite as bad as the latest Christmas offering from Sir Cliff Richard? It may be the lesser of two evils, but surely anything would be more palatable than the prospect of another Christmas Number1 from the infernal born-again Christian?
I'm an Aussie for the weekend!
This was in today's Scotsman:
Stand up if you support England
At 9am this Saturday, every Scotsman will become a Fosters-swilling Australian, when, to a man, they will stand to bawl out Advance Australia Fair and cheer on the Wallabies with as much fervour as if it were Scotland themselves playing in the final of the Rugby World Cup. And, in the possible event that England win the final, there will, without question, be many more tears shed in Scotland than there will across the whole of Australia.
It’s been Scotland’s worst collective nightmare for more than three decades. But, as of last Sunday, when England beat France in the semi-final, it became much worse than a nightmare - it became a distinct reality, with England now standing on the brink of their greatest sporting triumph since that awful year, which any self-respecting Scotsman still cannot bring himself to mention.
England now stand on the brink of their greatest sporting triumph since 1966
But if you’re a Scot and proud of it, and can see further than the end of an 80-minute rugby match, then why not root for the English? Here we suggest ten reasons why supporting the southerners might not be as bad as it seems ...
1 You’ll probably save yourself a small fortune. If you consistently support Anyone but England, then for every single match you’ll have to go out and buy a new opposition strip. So much more economical to have just the one England strip.
2 For the first time in more than 30 years, the English might - finally - stop banging on about 1966.
3 Inevitably, as sure as rugby balls are egg-shaped, Scotland will beat England when they next meet on the rugby pitch. The Scots will then be able to proclaim themselves the true World Champions.
4 If England win, the rest of the world might finally start to believe what Scotland has been telling them for years - that they’re a nation stuffed with rude, arrogant shysters.
5 The English will become so insufferable that no tourists will be able to stomach the place. Where will they head instead? It could be another country north of the Border …
6 An England win will spark a blizzard of pictures of Prince Harry hugging Clive Woodward’s wife and his other hooray chums, demonstrated above. No royal will dare show their face in Scotland until at least 2006.
7 Some 400,000 English-born people live in Scotland at the moment. That amounts to roughly eight per cent of the total population - and some might say that’s eight per cent too many. How many will want to stick it out up here after an England victory?
8 EU subsidies to Scotland will go through the roof as Brussels finally realises what God-awful neighbours we have to put up with.
9 The rules for rugby union will simply have to be changed, as the ruling body will be forced to cave in to popular opinion. No longer will one kicking metronome like England fly-half Jonny Wilkinson be able just to boot his team through to World Cup glory. Tries will be worth ten points; a penalty will be worth just the two.
10 An England win will prompt a glut of World Cup pop songs, and these, by their very nature, will be terrible. But can they be quite as bad as the latest Christmas offering from Sir Cliff Richard? It may be the lesser of two evils, but surely anything would be more palatable than the prospect of another Christmas Number1 from the infernal born-again Christian?