broken_brian
5th January 2005, 02:41 AM
For those who haven't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed
at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified
mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are
chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are
obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are
frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who
wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....
Hers are some of the more common phrases found throughout the manuals
and their translations into real world english.
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with molegrips then
beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with molegrips
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with molegrips then
beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring and/or ball bearing
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are
doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring
diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have
been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days
and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you
think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
spanner job.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of
the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as
I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified
mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are
chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are
obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are
frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who
wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....
Hers are some of the more common phrases found throughout the manuals
and their translations into real world english.
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with molegrips then
beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with molegrips
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with molegrips then
beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring and/or ball bearing
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are
doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring
diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have
been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days
and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you
think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
spanner job.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of
the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as
I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.