Some good jokes for ya's !!! more to follow

[Eggy7496]

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

[Eggy7496]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

[Eggy7496]

Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my *****?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the ***** blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder ***** can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the ***** winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[Eggy7496]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

[Julz]

Some not quite appropriate for a family show, but still amusing!!:D:D

[Eggy7496]

true, im tryin to find some more good ones

[Michael_mac]

A bloke finishes work ans decides to go to the pub to celebrate closing an important deal with a client. After a few drinks he stumbles home. when he gets up the next morning his wife inquuires to where he was till late the previous night so he tells he about this wonderful pub that he went to where everything is covered in gold- the seats are gold the bar is gold and the urinals are gold. when his wife asks him the name he is unable to tell her but says that if she doesn't believe him she should just phone all of the local pubs until she gets the right one.

So that afternoon she does just that. after trying unsuccessfully six pubs she strinkes it lucky with the seventh bar. when she inquires to as to the validity of her partners story she is told that indeed the bar and the seats etc are all gold. When she asks the big question about the urinals being gold she hears silence on the other end of the line and then the barman shouts:

"Oi Stevie i think i have just found out who ***** in your saxophone"

[Michael_mac]

On night a bloke arrive home from the pub late one night. so as not o wake the wife he decides to be very quiet when going to his bed. Unfortunately he slips goin up the starirs and land on his ass. In the back pocket of his trousers he has a bottle of beer which smahes and the man ends up with a number of cuts all over he ass. deciding to sort this out himself he moves gingerly to the bathroom, puts on the light and surveys the damage. he then finds the first aid kit before attempting to sort out the damage. when he wakes up in the morning he goe sdown to breakfast. when he walks in to the kitchen the first words taht his wife says to him are: "you were drunk last night weren't you" the man replies: "What makes you say that?"

To which his wife tells him: "well the shhets are stained with blood and there are sticking plasters all over the bathroom mirror"

[sw]

Whats pink and fluffy???

Pink Fluff

Whats blue and fluffy???

Cold Pink Fluff

Whats red and Fluffy???

Embarassed pink fluff.


And so on............

Not mine guy at work told me (honest)

[minidriver#1]

why dont snakes have balls?


because they cant dance

[sw]

CHRIS MOYLES BY ANY CHANCE KJ??

[Smurf]

quote:Originally posted by KJ_innit

why dont snakes have balls?


because they cant dance


PMSL!!!
:D

[minidriver#1]

quote:Originally posted by sw

CHRIS MOYLES BY ANY CHANCE KJ??


haha yes! i love him and comedy dave.

[Burple]

What's Brown and Sticky???







.....................A Stick!! :D:p

[Burple]

....Two fish in a tank....

...one says to the other..


"Can you drive this thing?" :D :D :D :D

[Julz]

The simple things are always the best, eh Ewan!?;):p

[Big Col]

Two birds sitting on a perch. One of them turns to the other and asks "Can you smell fish?"

[Michael_mac]

two sausages sizzling in a pan the 1st one says: " Godd its hot in here"

To which the 2nd replies: " Ah a talking sausage"

[Burple]

So What do you do if a bird sh*ts on yer car??











.....................Don't Ask Her Out Again!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D



<ba-doom, tish!!> Thangyooverrmush... I'll be here all week :D

[Michael_mac]

Two blondes walk into a bar.

You think one of then would of seen it


(MAY I APOLOGISE TO ANY BLONDES WHO ARE INVOLVED IN NEW MINI SCOTLAND)

[The Dogfather]

What's the difference between a Blonde and a shopping trolley?

Shopping trolley has a mind of it's own.

A put down - Where your parents related before they got married?

[eddie 44]

thats just typical of life isnt it,
you find the only scoucer who actually
works ! and some b*****d cuts his heed off.

[Michael_mac]

why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

as he had no-body to go with.

[Michael_mac]

THERE ARE TEN COWS IN A FIELD WHICH ONE IS IN IRAQ???

COO 8 (KUWAIT)

[Michael_mac]

TEN COWS IN A FIELD WHICH ONE IS ON HOLIDAY??

THE ONE WITH THE WEE CALF (WEEK OFF)

[Big Col]

quote:Originally posted by Michael_mac

THERE ARE TEN COWS IN A FIELD WHICH ONE IS IN IRAQ???

COO 8 (KUWAIT)


Kuwait isn't in Iraq. :evil:;):D