OZ Tourism

[Forbes]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do..

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers

Milk is illegal.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[Fartin Martin]

THIS is hilarious!!..some people are so thick!!..cant believe that is real answers!!:lol:

[Stewart]

Reminds me the Mechanics responding on paper to Aircrew that was on the net a while back.


Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.
Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer

Something loose in Coc*pit.
Something tightened in Coc*pit.


Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.
Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.

Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.
Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

Mouse in ****pit.
Cat installed.

Target radar hums.
Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]
Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.

Pilot's clock inoperative.
Wound clock.

Aircraft handles funny.
Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Pilot removed from aircraft.

Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Took hammer away from midget.

Suspected crack in windshield.
Suspect you are right.

IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.]
IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.

Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.
Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.

No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]
Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.

Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Dead bugs on windshield.
Live bugs on back order.

Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.
Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Evidence removed.

Three roaches in cabin.
One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.

DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]
DME volume set to more believable level.

No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
That's what they are for.

[Mini Ecosse]

:lol::lol:

[AndyP & Lenore]

Both of those had me in stitches.:laugh::clap:

Heard the aircraft ones before, but always good for a laugh.

A.:D

[GCA3N]

Great find very funny:clap:

[Crombers]

Those have just MADE my morning, absolutley brilliant :laugh:

[Neil and Lorna]

Some questions we've been asked in the Cinema over the years.

Is the diet Coke sugar free ?

Do you sell toast ?

See that film that starts at 7:40 is that the same as the old 20 to 8 ?

See that film 8Mile if the cinema is full when I get there and I havny booked will I still be able to get in ?

Neil. :popcorn::popcorn::popcorn:

[Craig]

:lol: