a joke or two

[Scottie]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these: they're the most perfect * God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Malvern still water out of her handbag and drinks it down.

She then then nips into the loo, has a wee and pulls the handle.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She does a wee and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven a Royal Flush beats a Pair . . . no matter how big they are!'

[TheDoctor46]

:argh: :thumbs up: :lol:

[Gismo]

After such a good one the other day as well :rolleyes: :hand:

[Scottie]

A big girl with an ample bottom goes to a tattoo artists and asks to have a big letter "B" tattoo on each of her rear cheeks.

The tattoo artist is intrigued and has to ask why a "B" on each cheek ?

The women replies well my hubby is away and is comming back in a couple of weeks, his pet name for me is Big B*M so i want to have a B on each cheek for Big B*M as a surprise for him.

A couple of weeks pass and hubby has come home, the women takes him up to their bedroom and says i have a surprise for you, and she drops her panties and bends over revealing the tattoo on each cheek.

Hubby looks on puzzled and says, very nice love, but who the hell is BoB ?? !

[Scottie]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise' .

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what's happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please suh", says the waiter, "Whah you ordah?"

"Chicken Surprise" says the husband.

"Ah! So solly. Mah mistake", says the waiter,
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"I bring Peeking Duck!"

[Scottie]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,
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<"coz he'd be f***ed if he needed glasses".

[Scottie]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her action group, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman, who all stuttered very badly.

She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-aisley".

"That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish."

"How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London."

"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said . . .






















"d-d-d-d-d-derry!"

[Gismo]

That's better :D