Sweeney
25th June 2007, 08:45 PM
A man goes for a job at a blacksmith's. Blacksmith asks him, "Have you
any experience of shoeing horses?" "No, But I once told a donkey to f**k
off."!
I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put
it down.
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and
on and on.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing
a cat in there!
I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue ?" I
said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where's he then?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought 'that's Aboriginal'
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
:D
any experience of shoeing horses?" "No, But I once told a donkey to f**k
off."!
I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put
it down.
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and
on and on.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing
a cat in there!
I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue ?" I
said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where's he then?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought 'that's Aboriginal'
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
:D